A Dostoevsky inspired short story/fiction.
It’s ironic how content and satisfied I feel, now that I know it’s all going to end for me, how I will soon be buried and forgotten. Ahh, I will no more need to worry about anything, the shame of failing everyone and failing myself will go away with me.
It’s not that I was not treated well by anyone or that I held some grudge against humanity. It’s all in me, it’s against me that I held my grudge, this I have to confess with a heavy heart. I was not always so, dear readers, I was once full of hope and full of life, unaware of suffering and such feelings of wretchedness that awaited me.
Oh, love, career, friends, earnings and above all my future overwhelmed me and shook my soul so rough that the shockwaves set my heart to such beating that was audible to me and kept me awake during the night for the last couple months, ahhh!!! the pain and those terrible headaches during the days. I am aware I might be exaggerating things, but dear readers, you can only imagine such was the state of my discontent and suffering.
The most difficult of all was not that I had no future or plan but that I had lost faith. I felt that the will to live and thrive had left me on my own long ago and my soul was so burnt out that I no longer felt its presence. It might have been so because I began questioning the existence of god. Such bad manners, I believe is unacceptable to him, thus he punished me and for this, he cast demons to suck this will out of me leaving me empty in such state of wretchedness.
But then, dear readers, I never truly believed in god and the eternal divine soul, so how could I have lost something I never possessed. Oh only if it were possible, I would like to establish such profound faith in god but it’s just the same, the world would still be the same, beings would still suffer and endure pain as such as mine. My logic and reasoning wouldn’t allow me to establish such faith in something that has no reason to be.
Is it just me? Am I so empty that I cannot think of any possible way to just take a leap of faith in something that everyone holds so dearest and sacred? Is it that I am such ill-natured and self-absorbed ungrateful filth that has no regards for anything outside of his senses?
Oh I am in such pain, I feel so empty and devoid of meaning. My heart aches so, as I write, in such agony I am. But still I must and I will write for I may not have time to write again. I must spit it out, spit it all out. But it’s all about to end, dear readers, I will finally find my peace and be able to sleep. Oh, I will finally be able to escape this agony. My reason to avoid treatment was the same for which I had hidden this secret for so long, I let my cancer grow and let it get me for I knew it will put me out of my misery.”